Life, The Rollercoaster (unedited)

This wondering will kill me, wondering always seems to do that. I’m only ever allowed to miss Derek in silence. I blink and he’s gone, probably off to make out with some girl at this frat party. Biting my lip I go back to my rum and cola, “Irving Blurving how’s it going?”

I roll my eyes and search for him, “Becca Hecca, did you kick ass at beer pong?”

“What do you think?” She replies. “So Derek’s here.”

I snap my head to Becca in mock shock, “nooo!”

“Hey don’t get sarcastic with me.”

“Sorry I just hate him sometimes,” I take another sip of my drink.

Becca nudges me, “by the stairs.”

Looking over I find him again with his eyes on me instead of that girl he’s with. Derek gives me a smirk and a wink before turning to his girl. A minute later he’s heading upstairs, “Irving don’t even think about it.”

I give her a sideways glance, “you don’t understand.”

“I understand that it’s killing you, I know that you want something more than a once and a while quickie when he calls. You want a boyfriend.”

“Just let me go break it off with him.”

She rolls her eyes, “there’s no talking to you…”

“This time I mean it,” I say back while handing her my drink.

“Yeah right!” Becca yells back.

I make my way upstairs to the bathroom and tap on the door. A pair of arms pulls me in, only letting go to close and lock the door, “did anybody see you?”

“Everybody’s wasted, they won't remember shit.”

“God I missed you,” Derek mumbles, tugging me into a messy kiss.

My hands rest on his forearms, so strong. But I push him back, “we need to talk.”

“Fuck talking I want to see my dick in your mouth.”

“No. We need to talk.”

Derek rolls his eyes, “fine.”

“Are you ashamed of me?”

He groans while leaning back against the door. His hands cover his face for a moment, “no I'm not ashamed of you.”

“If you're not ashamed then kiss me out there. Post a picture of us on Momentgram. Take me out on dates, I’m tired of just fucking around.”

“It's hard, dammit!”

“Then give me one reason not to walk out on you right now.”

“My grandfather would kill me if he found out. He’d cut me off from the family fortune. I won't be able to live in the apartment I do now, I won't be able to stay here and study to become a lawyer. I just have one more year then I'll be going to New York to intern for an office.”

Shaking my head I lean up against the sink, “shit man I didn't know that.”

“Nobody knows. Nobody but you knows about me…”

“Being gay?”

“Yeah that.”

I swallow, “but you will tell him someday about who you'll fall in love with.”

“He’ll find out when he dies.”

“I think he’ll find out sooner than that. When the right guy comes around.”

He grabs my hands, “don't do this.”

Derek’s eyes are starting to water, could he love me or am I just a college fling? “I should go--”

“Don't,” he hugs me.

My arms wrap around him as I breathe in his cologne one last time, “goodbye Derek.”

I go around him. Only to stop when he chokes out a sob, “will you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive, but can you forgive yourself when you lose me? And maybe any other guy you let close enough.”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t know how to do that.”

Derek the stud, the man who has supposedly a new woman in his bed every night is crying. A man like him never cries, my hand stops on the knob, “you probably know this… but I’m in love with you. I know you're not ready to come out but I'm proud of who I am, and I want someone who won't hide in the bathroom just to have a quickie.”

With that I leave, crying as I make my way to find Becca. It takes a while but I spot her then just as we’re about to leave the music stops. People murmur and whine to put the song back on, “oh my God.”

I sniffle, “what?”

“Look.”

Turning I find Derek in front of the speakers, “EVERYBODY SHUT UP!”

He waits for silence before he continues, “I'm in love with someone. And that person opened my eyes tonight… I don't want to lose him.”

There's a few gasps, a few boos, and the sound of my heart beating in my ears, “Irving I’m a dumbass and in front of everyone here I want to ask you to be my… my boyfriend.”

“You stopped the music for that! You really are a dumbass!” A guy yells.

“No one cares who you love or whatever that was my song you turned off!” A different girl snaps.

“Shut the fuck up you're ruining their moment!” Becca rolls her eyes, “go up there.”

Nodding, I squeeze my way through the crowd to him. With my sleeve I dry my tears until I’m in his arms. When I look at him, he kisses me. During our kiss a hand brushes past me and the music picks up again. Derek’s the one to pull back first and as we gaze in each other’s eyes he grins, “how's that for coming out?”

“It'll be funnier when you do this to your grandpa.”

“Let's see if he likes you first. This summer I want you to come with me to Maine and meet him.”

“I'll have to check my schedule, but I think I can make that work.”